Life, Eh...

I've found life overwhelming, from time to time. I know it happens to everybody, but I do worry about me. Sometimes. And then ignore my worries, other times. 

Back in October or November I was thinking, and was going to post, that I thought I was really over my mild-to-moderate depression, that one can really get over it, be cured, rather than only learn to cope with it. I could see my problems in their correct proportion, and worries weren't getting in the way of my moving forward. 

Then came the hideous hayfever season, and at first I didn't realize the pills weren't working and I thought I was getting depressed again as some of my symptoms are very similar; general sluggishness/sleepiness, insomnia, mild but persistent sinus headache. Then came the sensitivity to light and this eyebrow-raising I do to try to open my eyes wider that's a sure sign things are going downhill. (If you've been to South Pacific Islands, you may have been greeted by strangers with a smile and raising of both eyebrows to say, "hey, there!" - that's my sign; when I start to do that, I know I'm not well.) And for a couple of days I took meds leftover from the end of 2011 when I was well enough and the doc said I can stop. But I don't like to self-medicate, especially with prescription drugs, albeit my dosage is laughably low, so I didn't continue. And I didn't go see the doc about me because we were more concerned about Ben's blood sugar levels at that time, and I honestly didn't feel I was sick enough to warrant seeing him. 

Then Andrea told me no conventional pills were working on many hayfever suffers this year, and I learned many of us had similar symptoms. (I never ask about the eyebrow thing, though; I think that's just me. I have a cousin who suffered from much worse depression most of his life and he's done it as long as I can remember, though I've never talked to him about it.) So I got on with life. I quit taking my hayfever meds, resorted to herbal fixes including St John's Wort tea, and just wove and wove and wove.

But I kept feeling physically tired. I had a couple of spells of insomnia, but on the whole I say I've slept average to well; I just wake up tired every morning. I sometimes collapse with a sudden onset of sleepiness midday and nap for between ten minutes to an hour, though I try not to if I've been awake the previous night.

Different things worry/bother me: receiving emails that shouldn't bother me; lack of reply to my emails; friends who want to see me; friends who can't right now; the garden, the house, the money situation, (we have house/car insurance in Dec and health insurance in Jan so this is the worst time of the year every year,) my weight/health/general appearance, (whilst Ben looks great compared to just three months ago.) And yes, I worry about my mind, not that I'm going seriously crazy, but that I'm going to be unable to do things productively for a spell. And that this is not a good time because I've got to get things done and I've got to go home a week sooner than I thought at the start of the week.

With depression, a bit of exercise is good, and for me, I tend to garden for this reason; once out there I can really concentrate on the immediate task in the garden and I've tried to get out there, even for a short while, but anxiety sets in when I think of what all needs doing and what my neighbors must think, (I think they are used to it by now,) and how I'm going to negotiate with Ben about the different tasks as we seem to seldom agree re. the garden. Though the last several years I worry a bit less about the negotiations because, let's face it, he doesn't get out there. But I am constantly overwhelmed and obsessed by the enormity of the task.

Sometimes I don't exercise when I know I should and could, and this is a new discovery. I find the mind gets active when the body moves. And you know I have conversations in my head that I try so hard to quieten; not schizophrenic voices but me rehearsing, me going over past conversations, me revising what I should have said, etc., etc., etc. Well, sometimes when my mind is still I also try to stay physically still so as not to awaken those conversations. So even though I know exercise is good, I sit or lie still. Crazy, eh.

I self-medicated with depression meds again the first couple of days this week because I think I know my physical symptoms now, but I can't gauge if I'm just justifying it. And then I think of going to see Doc Tom but I think I'm not sick enough.

And the weather has been insane. It's been unseasonably cool this week. And there is a rat that visits our fig tree right outside the study window.

Yeah, I'm going a little nutty...