Can I be a Tiny Bit Enraged?

Yesterday I woke up with the memory of rage, (that's the best description I can come up with,) and resolved to take whichever is the most pragmatic next step I can come up with. It was a result of spending several hours in the night stewing over the design "process".  As I said, I was stuck at the same place as 10 years ago, and it was evident I hadn't learned Alison's processes then or since.

Without getting into too much detail, because obviously I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing even though I understand the words in the instructions, the steps I am supposed to follow are: Research; Broad Concept Exploration Drawings; Specific Development Drawings; Technical Problem Solving and Sampling;  and finally produce a woven piece. Each step comes with instructions/suggestions of techniques/material so I can narrow down choices before moving to the next.

The distinction between Broad Concept and Specific is where I get confused, not in words, but in the doing. This could be an artificial distinction, as Alison had to give instructions and grade and feedback and she can't have everybody working willy-nilly.

What is evident is from all other art courses I've done since Round One with Alison, I've picked up a whole lot of techniques for exploration, but I continue to operate in the familiar swirly, roundabout way where I go back and forth using many/all techniques to explore multiple ideas in parallel, until, wham, a choice jumps out. This is how I always operated, but in Round One I got severely told off for my "scattergun" method. Whereas I always saw my way as trying out many/all permutations. But having observed other people's processes in these ten years, I also know I don't develop ideas as far as other artists do.  

Ronette's drawing classes forced me to be at ease, (that's the only way I can describe,) jumping into new ways without visualizing the outcome, so it's not fear that stops me. I think I'm more comfortable making choices at different points than prescribed by Alison, and after much scattergunning in the exploration. Waddyano? I'm not as linear a thinker as I had always thought to be. I contemplated emailing Alison in the hopes she'd set me straight but I didn't even know how to pose the questions. 

I congratulate myself for learning other people's processes and making them my own. I don't have many original ideas, and this realization made me feel like a Big Girl. On the other hand, the Convent School Girl wants to follow orders religiously, (ha!) and I'm forever hopeful other people's processes may take me to places I could not myself; it's like a design joyride.

The night before last, I wasn't sure why I was so angry, but I was, very much. Usually when I wake up in the middle of the night I can steer my thoughts to more practical design issues, or imagine flying or jumping on a trampoline, (yup,) and eventually go back to sleep, but that night I stewed and stewed and stewed.

Thank the Weaving Goddess it was the BG and not the CSG who woke up yesterday morning. I continued the process just enough so I can get to practical stages with Self-Portrait and Friends(hip). Last night's awake hours were spent visualizing and calculating making lists and today I can get in real work.

But I intend to revisit this block after the exhibition opens and see if Alison can shed light. And make something based on her process that is further developed than where I normally end up. Touch Wood.